Old Friends, New Friends, Good Friends, Bad Friends

 Tidbits on how to evaluate your friendships

Friendship, like love should be easy. I like you, you like me; we’re a friendly family. But it isn’t always that way.

Think about it. Friends come and go and for a variety of reasons. Just like love relationships. If we really thought about the people in our lives, how easy would it be to understand why we are in a relationships with them?   Could we prevent bad relationships from happening or others from crossing our verbal relationship boundaries? And could we find the right people to hang with?

What fun is that, of course we can’t, we have to live it to understand it. But what if we could know in advance if someone was going to be more trouble than they are worth or the greatest friend ever?   

This then raises the question, do you communicate your boundaries and expectations in friendship relationships and are you accountable for how friendships function or turn out and do you go looking for the right people or do they come knocking at our door?

At lunch yesterday, I was discussing this topic with my (old, good) friend, Cathy. We talked about expected friendship boundaries and how I was just discovering some one-sided relationships. She’s smarter than me; she cut her losses several years ago, and is happier for it.

It was comical to find that we would never call someone after 9:00 p.m. or before 9 a.m. unless it was an emergency or they invited us to do so. She too had set various “rule of courtesy” in her mind, like me. I guess it was the era we grew up in. We talked about how rules benefit us, as we got older and how over the years we learn from our mistakes or choices.

She just told me last week that a good friend is one you can take a walk with, sit and not say a word and that just being there is enough. Yes a good friend is a refuge and I will sit with you any day Cathy.

Ah, it’s great to have friends like Cathy; we have so much in common! There is nothing like a good, old friend.

              left to right: New Acquaintance, Client-work friend and me. 

Let’s ponder our friendships,

Old or Good Friend

A good or old friend can be from your childhood, college or that special friend you tell your secrets to and know that they will be there when you need them. The road goes both ways, you know when to stop, yield or go. These are your tried and true friends, ones you can trust and have that close connection.

Good friends are ones you socialize with on a regular basis, listen to you while you reciprocate and they seem like family. You may even spend holidays and special occasions with them and their families.

These people are usually few in numbers yet irreplaceable.

 Work or Social Friends

A work friend is obviously someone you meet at work and develop a personal relationship with outside of your workplace.  Sometimes this person can become the good, old friend.

Work or social friends are people that you work/socialize with and discuss work or certain topics, but also share some personal information with them on occasions.

This relationship can continue after you leave the job and no longer work together. So if you are not having these people over to dinner or inviting them to your child's birthday party, sharing personal information or personal life events, then they are co-workers and work friends. They may also be an acquaintance, but not your friend. 

A work acquaintance would be a person with whom you work with and have a relationship built strictly on your work. There might be a few personal conversations you have with work acquaintances, but for the most part, you discuss work and other non-personal topics. Work acquaintances rarely engage in activities outside of work unless in a group situation like going out for lunch or happy hour after work.

My hair stylist is a social friend. She does my hair once a month, we are Facebook friends, we confide in each other in generic topics and her daughter was my personal trainer. We love to talk. We have taken exercise classes together and will again I’m sure. However, she is a social friend. If we were in grade school I would pass her a note, Dear Sue, will you be my friend? Your friend? Deb.

When you refer to these people, you can call them your colleague, associate, guy at my office, your hair stylist, accountant, lawyer or acquaintance, but not as your BFF. America thrives on these friendships!

Family Friend or Someone I Know

A family friend is someone you know because of a family member or an associate. Perhaps your significant other's best friend and his spouse could fall into this category. A family friend is on a closer and more personal level than an acquaintance simply because this person spends so much individual time with you and your family.

A family acquaintance could be someone like an in-law that you are required to spend time with, but with whom you are not comfortable with or prefer not to form a more affectionate bond. See the gray areas?

Various ways to refer to this person as: my daughter’s friend, my husband’s best friend or my son in laws parents.

Facebook friends often include friends but may also include acquaintances or people you may or may not know of. 
They are not your friends. Who came up with that anyway?

This group is very large, carefully use your boundaries.

Bad Friends

If any of your friends fall into this category it is probably best to distance yourself in order to protect your dignity, your self-esteem and the pain or drama they cause.

Sometimes it is necessary to be honest with these “friends” to why you are distancing yourself yet sometimes it is just not worth it.

These can be your self-centered one-sided not so great friends.

I once had a good friend. She always needed me, wanted something and called and asked for it all the time. I found her to be one that needed help, not needy, but the receiver of the relationship. If I asked for something she just couldn’t do it, her life was filled with an inability to make quick and easy decision or spend time helping others. She loves whine. I love wine. You see there is a difference. 

One day we were sitting on my sofa talking. One of our best conversation because I had a revelation, an epiphany so to speak. She was telling me a story about a new acquaintances of hers and how she was helping her, felt sorry for her and was doing everything in her power to make it okay for her. What? Wait a minute, and everything I had ever asked for was always turned down, I remember needing you to do this and you couldn’t, what’s up with that?

But you see this is not my so-called BFF’s fault, I hold no animosity for her, it is my fault, I allowed it to happen. I was her willow, bend me, shape me, I’m there for you girl. Yes it was my fault for not understanding or even evaluating our roles in this relationship or recognizing exactly what was going on.

After this incident several other epiphanies came flooding out about our relationship, OMG I was shocked at myself! Deb, Deb, shame on you, I hope you learned a lesson from this!!

Some “friends” see me coming and prey on me, see that girl, she is just what my narcissistic supply needs. Go get her. And here I am with open arms. I know I have one of those personalities where all people are accepted and I think everyone is as honest as I am. Face value has not served me well. I am very clear why I do this, but that is a whole other blog series.

Now my menu is getting a little slimmer with age.  Save yourself some unwanted pain and put these people on the short list. If you need more convincing I would suggest watching the movie, The Roommate. Start cutting….

What are the Differences?

Just because you really like a person doesn’t mean they are your “friend”. You can have mutual respect and adoration for someone and not be their friend. Or you may need some time to build a solid relationship. It’s like dessert, we want it all the time but we have to use some restraint. Too much of a “good” thing just ain’t so good.

While there is a distinct difference between friends and acquaintances, a friendship can often develop on the basis of a simple acquaintance. An acquaintance can become a friend over the course of time if certain factors are met and sustained or stay an acquaintance for life.

        

Normally there are familiar interests and perhaps a common sense of humor that unites two people and forms the bonds of a friendship.

That would be my good, old friend Lauren. She gets me, I get her. She has the driest sense of humor and I love it. She tells jokes, I laugh. She writes me funny stories about our times together, I laugh, she sends me funny messages, and I laugh. We share many interests, and who doesn’t love someone that thinks you are funny.

I have often said to her that we wouldn’t have been friends in high school, she was that popular, cute, smart girl who was going to law school and I was, well it is kinda like the Taylor Swift song, She wears short skirts I wear tee shirts, she’s cheer captain and I am on (or under) the bleachers!

        

But what we have is mutual respect and trust, the essential elements of a friendship, and the fact that we enjoy each other's company is key. 

I will leave you with this, if it doesn’t feel right, then maybe we need to put these people in their respective categories. We all have those nightmarish relationship stories. It is just important that we learn and grow from them. Jump in peeps but don’t forget the life jacket.

Life is too short to spend with people you don’t want to, ones that make you feel bad or send you bad vibes and it is taking away for the good times we could be having with that good old BFF.

And if you have one of those friends, don’t bother sharing this blog with them, they won’t get it.