Friend, Acquaintance or Foe
Attending my granddaughters high school graduation festivities this past week I think I heard their class song For Good, from Wicked about six times. Being emotionally caught up in her endless talent and bursting with grandmotherly pride, for the first time, I actually thought about the poetry of the lyrics. I already knew the song and words but never took them to heart until the emotions kicked in. Here was her solo:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Samantha with her BFF from Grade school, Camden
As I get older I think about all the people in my life and ponder who and what is a friend. I've had conversations with several people lately and found they too were very interested in why their relations change, end, progress or even never or ever happened. I do believe that people come into your life for a reason and that reason is for us to grow, learn and grow some more, no matter how painful or painless it will be.
I am one of those people that have lots of friends and more acquaintances. Lucky to say not too many foes, that I know of! There are people I have met socially or professional and developed great friendships with and those who stayed just an acquaintances. I have always thought that I had a great judge of character, but there have been many times I was fooling myself. It is said that telling the difference between a friend or acquaintance is easy, I want to say it is colorful, sometimes rose colored and other times gray however the good ones are true blue.
Still one can be fooled and think that someone is their friend, when that person is just an acquaintance or maybe even a foe or worst of all the one that just wants to use you for their own personal gain and we rarely figure it out immediately. To get you thinking or to determine whether one is your friend or acquaintance, I have come up with some food for thought.
I thought I'd come up with an outline to help us put people in their correct personal relationship category (PRC list):
Friend Definition
1. Friends are those with whom you share a deeper level of interaction.
2. Friends have all out support for your interests and happiness, unlike acquaintances.
3. Friends don’t do one-sided favors, unlike acquaintances.
4. Friends like to hang out with you at a much personal level, even at your own home.
5. A reciprocator in your personal life. You listen with heart and they listen with heart.
Acquaintance Definition
Foe Definition
1. a personal enemy, in this case a Frienemy!
2. An enemy in war.
3. An adversary; an opponent
4. some one that uses your "friendship" for personal gain.
Acquaintance Definition
1. Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.
2. A person whom one knows.
2. A person whom one knows.
3. A person who is not a friend or one you know but do not share a personal relationship.
Foe Definition
1. a personal enemy, in this case a Frienemy!
2. An enemy in war.
3. An adversary; an opponent
4. some one that uses your "friendship" for personal gain.
By researching this criteria, I already know what I have been doing wrong. I absolutely accept people at face value, what they say they are is what I believe(d). I have believed others over my gut feelings more times than I can remember. It was my upbringing. This is what I was taught, some good and some not so great. You see I was brought up in a extremely narcissistic household. Everything I was told/taught, was right and everything I knew in my heart, was wrong. So I was told/taught. It took 30 years for me to decipher this. I now clearly understand that it is not about the other person but about me. I choose these people to come into my life, for whatever reason.
I had to reevaluate and start looking for my real friends and put the others in their rightful category of acquaintances or foes. Sort of like the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Now I analyze it all. I take my time and think about it. Of course, there is no fool like an old fool. I mean really, should we want to spend time with someone we are not attracted to or don't have anything in common with? Not me, not anymore, I have the right to choose and feel good about it. I am learning the difference. But why do choose to be with people that are not good for us or use us for personal gain?
I want to share one of my recent experiences, I will keep it very generic but you will get the drift of it. I am sure you all have stories, so please post. You will be surprised how they will help you and others.
I have/had a friend of several years, we did things together, talked, shared fun times and even planned some time away on a girls trip. However I told this person I couldn't do something for her and over a short period of time she eased away. Actually found someone else to do it for her. That person is now her new best friend. It made me think, why the cold shoulder and why no more long conversation, fun talks or even returning a call or email, then: I ran the relationship through the PRC above, here's the results.
1. Friends are those with whom you share a deeper level of interaction. YES
2. Friends have all out support for your interests and happiness, unlike acquaintances. NO
3. Friends don’t do one-sided favors, unlike acquaintances. IT WAS ONE SIDED ALL RIGHT, I WAS DOING THE FAVORS
4. Friends like to hang out with you at a much personal level, even at your own home. NO
5. A reciprocator in your personal life. You listen with heart and they listen with heart. I LISTENED AND LISTENED AND LISTENED!!!!!!
Yes, I had it all wrong and didn't see it coming, when I wanted to talk, needed help or just wanted to visit, she couldn't fit it in her schedule. I had my answer. What is she now? Just somebody that I use to know, not an old friend, not an acquaintance or an enemy. Just a lesson well learned.
So why do we spend time with someone that is not who they say they are? I don't pretend to have the answers but I am sure on a quest to find some. At this stage of my life, I prefer to be with people that I have a deeper connection with. I would hope that by now I can tell the acquaintances from the friends and the foes from the true people that are unconditionally honest and want to be my friend or want something from me.
What do you think? Are you the friend you say your are? Or do you call people according to what you want, need? Miscommunication between adults when the true meaning of the relationship surfaces? I want to hear your thoughts?
My next blog is putting our friends in their rightful categories, Old Friend, New Friend, Good Friend, Bad Friend!! sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. For now or for good, I hope you are leaving a loving handprint on your friends hearts and not a knife in their back!
- Here are the rest of the lyrics, enjoy:Like a comet pulled from orbitAs it passes a sunLike a stream that meets a boulderHalfway through the woodWho can say if I've been changed for the better?But because I knew youI have been changed for goodIt well may beThat we will never meet againIn this lifetimeSo let me say before we partSo much of meIs made of what I learned from youYou'll be with meLike a hand print on my heartAnd now whatever way our stories endI know you have re-written mineBy being my friend...Like a ship blown from its mooringBy a wind off the seaLike a seed dropped by a sky birdIn a distant woodWho can say if I've been changed for the better?But because I knew youBecause I knew youI have been changed for goodAnd just to clear the airI ask forgivenessFor the things I've done you blame me forBut then, I guess we knowThere's blame to shareAnd none of it seems to matter anymoreLike a comet pulled from orbitAs it passes a sunLike a stream that meets a boulderHalfway through the woodLike a ship blown from its mooringBy a wind off the seaLike a seed dropped by a birdin the woodWho can say if I've beenChanged for the better?I do believe I have beenChanged for the betterAnd because I knew you...Because I knew you...Because I knew you...I have been changed for good...
2 comments:
I read this on the perfect day. Today I have been struggling with all the stress of putting on a party Saturday. I have had several friends call, text and email me asking what they can do to help. But I have also had several close friends who I am consistently doing things for who won't even answer me wheather or not they are coming. I am so much like you deb, I am a bad judge of character because I think everyone is honest and nice and has my best interest at heart. but some people are just takers and their mentality never matures beyond high school.
Yes planning a party can be difficult and frustrating especially when you ask for RSVP's. That is simply, etiquette 101 and Facebook makes it really easy to invite, respond and change your responses in seconds, not to mention reply online instead of in person.
But when your friends don't reply it can be very hurtful. They don't need to attend or even tell you why they can't attend but they should reply saying Thank you for this invitation, but we will not be able to attend. It is so simple and common sense.
I have even had people say to me, "now you know I would be there, I didn't have to reply." Really? My brother actually did this for my wedding.
Rule of thumb for me is reply immediately and put it in my calendar. Yes things may change and I can call and change it later. In fact, I think I replied immediately to your invitation as maybe and then confirmed with a yes when our plans were confirmed.
It takes weeks, time and money to prepare for a party. You don't buy the food that day! And who wants to spend money and time on people that might or might not come.
RVSP is simple. Be respectful and thankful that someone has chosen to invite you into their home or event to share their previous memories.
Here's my suggestion, easy for me to say to someone else! Focus on those friends that did call and reply, they are your real friends. I think if you "ran them through" the friend questions you would see they are your friends.
From the responses I am getting privately on this blog, I say there are lots of people out their that just want honest friends and are "taken" by the self centered friends. So sad!
And you are right about the high school comment. Adults too are bullies, they exclude, gossip and snub people for no reason at all. Where do you think our kids learn it from?
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