Friendship, like love should be easy.
I like you, you like me; we’re a friendly family. But it isn’t always that way.
Think about it. Friends come and go
and for a variety of reasons. Just like love relationships. If we really
thought about the people in our lives, how easy would it be to understand why
we are in a relationships with them? Could we prevent bad relationships from
happening or others from crossing our verbal relationship boundaries? And could
we find the right people to hang with?
What fun is that, of course we can’t,
we have to live it to understand it. But what if we could know in advance if
someone was going to be more trouble than they are worth or the greatest friend
ever?
This then raises the question, do you
communicate your boundaries and expectations in friendship relationships and are
you accountable for how friendships function or turn out and do you go looking
for the right people or do they come knocking at our door?
At lunch yesterday, I was discussing
this topic with my (old, good) friend, Cathy. We talked about expected
friendship boundaries and how I was just discovering some one-sided
relationships. She’s smarter than me; she cut her losses several years ago, and
is happier for it.
It was comical to find that we would
never call someone after 9:00 p.m. or before 9 a.m. unless it was an emergency
or they invited us to do so. She too had set various “rule of courtesy” in her
mind, like me. I guess it was the era we grew up in. We talked about how rules
benefit us, as we got older and how over the years we learn from our mistakes
or choices.
She just told me last week that a good friend is one you can
take a walk with, sit and not say a word and that just being there is enough.
Yes a good friend is a refuge and I will sit with you any day Cathy.
Ah, it’s great to have friends like
Cathy; we have so much in common! There is
nothing like a good, old friend.
left to right: New Acquaintance, Client-work friend and me.
Let’s ponder our friendships,
Old or Good Friend
A good or old friend can be from your childhood, college or that
special friend you tell your secrets to and know that they will be there when
you need them. The road goes both ways, you know
when to stop, yield or go. These are your tried and true friends,
ones you can trust and have that close connection.
Good friends are ones you socialize with on a regular basis,
listen to you while you reciprocate and they seem like family. You may even
spend holidays and special occasions with them and their families.
These people are usually few in numbers yet irreplaceable.
Work or Social Friends
A work friend is obviously someone you meet at work and develop a
personal relationship with outside of your workplace. Sometimes this person can become the good, old
friend.
Work or social friends are people that you work/socialize with
and discuss work or certain topics, but also share some personal information
with them on occasions.
This relationship can continue after you leave the job and no
longer work together. So if you are not having these people over to dinner or
inviting them to your child's birthday party, sharing personal information or
personal life events, then they are co-workers and work friends. They may also
be an acquaintance, but not your friend.
A work acquaintance would be a person with whom you work with
and have a relationship built strictly on your work. There might be a few
personal conversations you have with work acquaintances, but for the most part,
you discuss work and other non-personal topics. Work acquaintances rarely
engage in activities outside of work unless in a group situation like going out
for lunch or happy hour after work.
My hair stylist is a social friend. She does my hair once a
month, we are Facebook friends, we confide in each other in generic topics and
her daughter was my personal trainer. We love to talk. We have taken exercise
classes together and will again I’m sure. However, she is a social friend. If
we were in grade school I would pass her a note, Dear Sue, will you be my friend? Your friend? Deb.
When you refer to these people, you can call them your
colleague, associate, guy at my office, your hair stylist, accountant, lawyer
or acquaintance, but not as your BFF. America thrives on these friendships!
Family Friend or Someone I Know
A family friend is someone you know because of a family member
or an associate. Perhaps your significant other's best friend and his spouse could
fall into this category. A family friend is on a closer and more personal level
than an acquaintance simply because this person spends so much individual time
with you and your family.
A family acquaintance could be someone like an in-law that you
are required to spend time with, but with whom you are not comfortable with or
prefer not to form a more affectionate bond. See the gray areas?
Various ways to refer to this person as: my daughter’s friend,
my husband’s best friend or my son in laws parents.
Facebook
friends often include friends but may also include acquaintances or people you
may or may not know of.
They are not your friends. Who came up with that
anyway?
This group is very large, carefully use your boundaries.
Bad Friends
If any of your friends fall into this category it is probably
best to distance yourself in order to protect your dignity, your self-esteem
and the pain or drama they cause.
Sometimes it is necessary to be honest with these “friends” to
why you are distancing yourself yet sometimes it is just not worth it.
These can be your self-centered one-sided not so great friends.
I once had a good
friend. She always needed me, wanted something and called and asked for it all
the time. I found her to be one that needed help, not needy, but the receiver
of the relationship. If I asked for something she just couldn’t do it, her life
was filled with an inability to make quick and easy decision or spend time
helping others. She loves whine. I love wine. You see there is a
difference.
One day we were sitting on my sofa talking. One of our best
conversation because I had a revelation, an epiphany so to speak. She was
telling me a story about a new acquaintances of hers and how she was helping
her, felt sorry for her and was doing everything in her power to make it okay
for her. What? Wait a minute, and everything I had ever asked for was always
turned down, I remember needing you to do this and you couldn’t, what’s up with
that?
But you see this is not my so-called BFF’s fault, I hold no
animosity for her, it is my fault, I allowed it to happen. I was her willow,
bend me, shape me, I’m there for you girl. Yes it was my fault for not
understanding or even evaluating our roles in this relationship or recognizing
exactly what was going on.
After this incident several other epiphanies came flooding out
about our relationship, OMG I was shocked at myself! Deb, Deb, shame on you, I
hope you learned a lesson from this!!
Some “friends” see me coming and prey on me, see that girl, she
is just what my narcissistic supply needs. Go get her. And here I am with open
arms. I know I have one of those personalities where all people are accepted
and I think everyone is as honest as I am. Face value has not served me well. I
am very clear why I do this, but that is a whole other blog series.
Now my menu is getting a little slimmer with age. Save yourself some unwanted pain and put
these people on the short list. If you need more convincing I would suggest
watching the movie, The Roommate. Start
cutting….
What are the Differences?
Just because you really like a person doesn’t mean they are your
“friend”. You can have mutual respect and adoration for someone and not be
their friend. Or you may need some time to build a solid relationship. It’s
like dessert, we want it all the time but we have to use some restraint. Too
much of a “good” thing just ain’t so good.
While there
is a distinct difference between friends and acquaintances, a friendship can
often develop on the basis of a simple acquaintance. An acquaintance can become
a friend over the course of time if certain factors are met and sustained or
stay an acquaintance for life.
Normally
there are familiar interests and perhaps a common sense of humor that unites
two people and forms the bonds of a friendship.
That would be
my good, old friend Lauren. She gets me, I get her. She has the driest sense of
humor and I love it. She tells jokes, I laugh. She writes me funny stories
about our times together, I laugh, she sends me funny messages, and I laugh. We
share many interests, and who doesn’t love someone that thinks you are funny.
I have often
said to her that we wouldn’t have been friends in high school, she was that
popular, cute, smart girl who was going to law school and I was, well it is
kinda like the Taylor Swift song, She
wears short skirts I wear tee shirts, she’s cheer captain and I am on (or under)
the bleachers!
But what we
have is mutual respect and trust, the essential elements of a friendship, and
the fact that we enjoy each other's company is key.
I will leave
you with this, if it doesn’t feel right, then maybe we need to put these people
in their respective categories. We all have those nightmarish relationship
stories. It is just important that we learn and grow from them. Jump in peeps
but don’t forget the life jacket.
Life is too
short to spend with people you don’t want to, ones that make you feel bad or
send you bad vibes and it is taking away for the good times we could be having
with that good old BFF.
And if you
have one of those friends, don’t bother sharing this blog with them, they won’t
get it.
