Does My Teen Come with an Instruction Manual?

Like a rash; the teen years starts out with a few inflamed areas and spreads out of control like poison ivy. As parents, we get ten to twelve years to prepare and it is never quite enough time in this ever changing world of bullying, peer pressure, social media, drugs and sex, to mention a few. No matter how small or grandiose the issue, parenting teens is a big job. I'm reposting this article. I always revisit it and add new thoughts and suggestions. As our children grow physically, we naturally relinquish control and grant them more freedom, but it is imperative to keep them on an invisible leash so to speak. Loosen up but don't let go, protecting and educating along the way. Just like when they learn to walk, we first guide them with our hands, then we let go and just walk beside them, soon they are running by themselves and they don't need our physical assistance anymore. Talking WITH our children instead of at or to them also makes a huge difference in communication. I always get the statement that, "I feel when I talk to my teen, they shut down. In a recent study, psychologists found that the prefrontal cortex does not develop until age 24‐25. They use to think the brain was fully developed as a young teen, but this is not so. This gives us the answer to why teens react the way they do, but now what's a parent to do? Individual instruction manuals are not included but maybe this list of general tips can ease your questions and the pressures you may be feeling. I call it our very own 12 Step Program for Responsible Parenting 1. Be a positive role model. The way you act is what your child will model. Practicing good behavior, kindness and compassion will help your teens to mirror your actions. This behavior will result in them being less likely to make bad decisions as teens and in the future as adults. This includes community involvement and service. A great family time together! 2. Freedom. Giving teens a chance to establish their own identity is essential to helping them to carve their own place in society. Develop an active communication schedule. Dinnertime is the perfect time for nonthreatening daily activity conversation. Another great time is a designated family night, time to talk, play and reconnect. And as stated before, community involvement. 3. Pick your battles. Choices like alcohol and drug use can be life altering. Yet, a choice in hair color, clothes and music helps them find their identity. Don't believe me? Take a look at your high school pictures. 4. Know their friends. Make a point to know who they are hanging out with, their families and invite the kids to hang at your house. This includes social media. When you bridge the gap, you will have the advantage to monitor and observe their interactions. 5. Set basic boundaries and ground rules. Very basic: respect, honesty, truth, communication, listening. Mutual respect goes a long way. Set rules about important issues such as driving, sex, drugs, grades, school and friends early. An example: driving is a privilege. In order to have the privilege, grades have to be honor roll (you set the criteria depending on the child). The rule then becomes clear and goal oriented. Don't waver from your rules. That opens up a whole new problem. 6. Stay out of the drama circle. Parents sometimes tend to jump into the drama with the teens. Make sure to keep yourself grounded. Step out of the circle and help them to solve their own problems, don't be part of it. 7. Talk to teens about risks. Whatever the subject, your kids need to know the worst and the best that could happen. Make informed conversation. Get the information and handouts needed to educate yourself and your teen. You may learn together. No matter what subject, make a game plan. Example: driving drunk or being at a party where parents are not at home can be dangerous and harmful. Let them call you with a no questions asked policy. Reward them for their good decisions. Be supportive, and they will tell you what happened. 8. Always eat dinner together. The average American family eats a meal together four times a month. Make the switch. Dinner together every night, they will start expecting it and won't want to miss it. KIDS LOVE SCHEDULES AND CONSISTENCY! For an added bonus, invite their friends. 9. Get Help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It will provide you relief and assistance. Look at it this way; if your car were making funny noises you'd call your mechanic right? If the kids are squealing, ask a friend, parent coach or counselors for some advice. 10. Listening. Listening is one of the most valuable tools in being an informed and involved parent. Listen verbally and with your eyes. Developing a healthy relationship with your child is crucial from birth. Anything less that that could result in problems down the road. A stitch in time! 11. Consequences. There are always consequences involved when mistakes are made. The punishment must fit the crime so to speak. Not only that, the consequences should be known up front. Most important, follow through on your plan. If getting a D means getting a tutor, get the tutor. 12. Traditions. Set a family night when everyone has to be home for dinner. Play a board game, go for a hike, and make it a regular family event. Also set holiday, summer vacation and other events as part of your family traditions, they will look forward to it and expect it. Most of all they will thrive on it. One of my favorite books on this subject is WHY DO THEY ACT THAT WAY DO? and NO: WHY KIDS OF ALL AGES NEED TO HEAR IT AND WAYS PARENTS CAN SAY IT by David Walsh, Ph. D. Check it out....... Deb Landry is a certified parenting coach and the best selling author of Sticks Stones and Stumped.