Easter Survivors, Remembering Columbine and Boston

Happy Easter everyone. I hope your day is filled with family, community, chocolate bunnies and much love. I am fortunate to see all my children and grandchildren today, eat great food and give thanks for all I am grateful. However I want to take the time to honor a specific group of young people. 

Throughout the US and especially in Colorado families are remembering Sunday, April 20, 1999, not as Easter Sunday but as the day of the Columbine school shootings, while New Englanders are solemnly preparing to honor the first anniversary of the Boston bombings tomorrow at the Boston Marathon. They will remember and honor the lives of those who lost their lives to bullying, anger, and hate. It is so sad and hard to comprehend that we must remember and experience such tragedies in our free land. Please remember them with showing acceptance, kindness and respect every day of the year. Acceptance and respect to yourself and respect to others. 

These are needless deaths and tragedy, not through war, natural disasters or even disease, but through human ignorance and pain. Stand up and UNITE as a community. Your one act of kindness and respect may save one child from carrying a life time of pain. Give thanks and pray of the survivors. 

I am "re-blogging" today. The following is an article that can be found at the link at the end. Please read in honor of all the children and families that have lost their lives and tune in to 20/20 tonight and see one Columbine students journey across the US, visiting other schools that have fallen victim to school shootings. 

The longitudinal British study checked in with 8,000 families across 40 years to trace the trajectory of a bullied child.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Well, not when it comes to bullying.

Some may still consider bullying a harmless part of growing up, but mounting evidence suggests that the adverse effects of being bullied aren't something kids can just shake off. The psychological and physical tolls, like anxiety and depression, can follow a person into early adulthood.In fact, the damage doesn't stop there, a British study published this week in the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests. It actually lasts well into the adults' 40s and 50s.

"Midlife ... is an important stage in life because that sets in place the process of aging," says Louise Arseneault, a developmental psychologist at King's College London and the study's senior author. "At age 50, if you have physical [and] mental health problems, it could be downhill from here."

And health isn't the only thing to worry about. Chronic bullying's effect on a person's socioeconomic status, social life and even cognitive function can persist decades later, too, Arseneault's research suggests.

The study began with a national survey of nearly 18,000 children in England, Scotland and Wales who were born during a single week in 1958. Their parents were interviewed twice — once when the kids turned 7, and again when they turned 11 — about how often the children were bullied. Researchers also noted the children's IQ score at the time and checked reports from teachers for any behavioral problems indicative of anxiety or depression in the kids.

“

Midlife ... is an important stage in life because that sets in place the process of aging. At age 50, if you have physical health, [and] mental health problems, it could be downhill from here.

- Dr. Louise Arseneault

Then, for four decades, they checked in periodically with roughly 8,000 of those children, recording their health, socioeconomic status and social well-being at ages 23, 45 and again at 50.

More than 40 percent of the children were reported as having been occasionally or frequently bullied at age 7 and 11 — not too far from today's estimates in the U.S., where up to 50 percent of kidssay they've been bullied at least once within a month.

Researchers found that at age 50, those who'd been bullied – particularly those who were repeatedly bullied — reported somewhat poorer physical health than those who hadn't been, and also had an increased incidence of anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. They also had lower education attainment; memory tests indicated that they tended, as a group, to have somewhat poorer cognitive function than those who weren't bullied.

The study accounted for other factors that might have confounded the results, Arseneault says, such as poverty during childhood, family conflict and evidence of physical and sexual abuse. Though the study couldn't definitively say the bullying caused the long-lasting problems, Arseneault says, other studies and statistical tests suggest the association is more than coincidental.

"In terms of relationship, they seem to be less likely to live with a partner, and to have friends who they can speak to or rely on if they're sick," Arseneault tells Shots. "As they get older, you would think that maybe they would grow out of it — but it's not what we're showing."

The study is impressive, says William Copeland, a clinical psychologist and epidemiologist at Duke University, who wasn't involved in the British research but has done work on the long-term effects of bullying. "This is the longest follow-up study we have of victims of bullying to date," he says.

Victims need some place where they can get away from the abuse and feel safe, Copeland tells Shots. "As you lose that, as you're getting teased constantly, that can lead people to have much worse outcomes, and to feel like there's really no way they can escape.

Bullying is somewhat different today from what it was in the '60s — cyberbullying on the Internet has extended its reach. Copeland says the concept remains the same: singling out a weaker person as the target for repeated intentional harm. It's just that the abuse is no longer confined to schools and playgrounds, he says. It can happen in the no-longer-safe haven of a child's home.People need to shift their thinking on bullying, Copeland says, from considering it a "harmless rite of passage" to "this kind of critical childhood experience that can really change one's trajectory for decades and decades."

"As we see more and more studies like this," Copeland says, "I think people are going to be more and more comfortable thinking of bullying in the same way we think of [other sorts of] maltreatment in childhood — as something that's just not tolerated."

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/04/19/304528674/mental-and-physical-toll-of-bullying-persists-for-decades

Baby You're a Big Girl Now, understanding the signs of adult bullying

Back in my former days as a health care administrator at a university, I was in the lunchroom when one of the physicians came in upset and frustrated. This medical director, instructor in the medical school, director of residency program was a proud Mainer, born and breed. His rant went something like this.

I can’t believe these students, they apply to a Maine school to get a good education then slap a bumper sticker on their car that says “Maine People Suck.” Why do they want to come here to school then? Where is the respect and appreciation?

Through my laughter, I told him that the bumper sticker did not say Maine people suck it said “MEAN People Suck.”  He did see the humor in it and it made for a great lunch conversation.

Mean people do suck, suck all the positive energy out of you. They can make you uncomfortable and leave you questioning if you did something wrong of  baffled. So how do we deal with people like this and are they adult bullies or just mean, unhappy people?

First let’s revisit what bullying is. Bullying is Repetitive, Intentional and Always involves an imbalance of power or a “perceived imbalance of power.

Periodically I get request for solutions in dealing with adult bullying. It is not my area of expertise. With that said, this blog is about my experiences and where to get help and information. I suggest for professional help you check out all the great books, blogs and websites on adult bullying issue a specific comprehensive one I have listed below.

You would think that people mature as they get older, learn from experience and stop the negative behaviors they used in their youth and teen years. This is not always the case. Anyone can be a bully at any age or any time. Adult bullies tend to be more verbal than physical and can also be more undermining. The reasoning for this behavior is similar and it is where our children learn it. By imitating the adults in their lives.

Simply, bullies want to be the dominant person in the group, relationship or in the workplace, humiliating their targets to show everyone and the target who is “boss”.

I personally do not have any tolerance for people like this, having my share of contact with them in my life. Yes, I have fallen victim to them several times. What works best for me is ignoring them, moving on and in the right situation calling them on their bullying behavior. Getting upset over someone else’s crap just doesn’t do anything for me other than stress me out and take my focus away from my goals. I don’t need people like this. I now can spot them a mile away, a gift that took many years to perfect.

Of course this is easy for me to say, I’m self-employed. I have the highest respect and admiration for my boss!

With that said, it is important to recognize how and why this is happening and come up with a personal plan not to accept the behavior or be put in a situation to become their target. You don’t want to be put in danger, or in a position to get fired if it is in the workplace. If your bully is an abusive spouse you will need professional help to safely handle the situation.

Here are some different types of adult bullies I found to help you decide:

Targets of bullies in the workplace are the most productive

The Wicked Witch of the West: Narcissistic Adult Bully: This type of adult bully is self-centered and does not have empathy for others, and never will. There is no anxiety or guilt around consequences. They seem to feel good about themself, but in reality has a narcissism that requires putting others down and controlling situations to their advantage. Are you a flying monkey?

The Drama Queen: Impulsive Adult Bully: Adult bullies in this category are more spontaneous and plan their bullying out less. Even if consequences are likely, this adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. In some cases, this type of bullying may be unintentional, resulting in periods of stress, or when the bully is actually upset or concerned about something unconnected with the target. Are you a scapegoat?

Physical Bully: Adult bullying rarely turns physical, but there are bullies that may become physical. In some cases, the adult bully may not actually physically harm the target, but may use threats of harm, or physical domination through looming over them. Additionally, this person may destroy your personal property. Do not confuse this with domestic violence. If you are a victim of domestic violence call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. If you are physically assaulted contact the police immediately.

Verbal Adult Bully: Words can be quite damaging and leave lasting emotional scars. Adult bullies who use this type of tactic may start rumors, gossip or exclude their target. They can also use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This subtle type of bullying also has the advantage to the bully, which is difficult to document. However, the emotional and psychological impact can result in reduced job performance and even depression. Stand up for yourself, be the star of your own show.

Baby You’re a Big Girl Now! Secondary Adult Bully, the bystander: This is someone who does not initiate the bullying directly, but joins in so that he or she does not actually become the target at a later date. This person can also be the one who doesn’t say something is someone is being targeted. Know when to say something and when to keep quiet. Grow up, don’t ambush someone just to be popular. Have you seen Mean Girls?

The most productive and valuable workers 

face the most scrutiny from bullies

Workplace Bullying

Preventing or eliminating adult bullying must be a priority for any organization (including schools). Bullying can affect the health and climate of the entire organization not to mention to workplace violence.  When looking for a new job, check out the policies for workplace behaviors, violence and harassment. If they don’t have them, think twice.

According to a U.S. report, it estimates one in five workers experiences harmful bullying at work each year. It appears that the most productive and valuable workers face the most scrutiny from bullies. Unfortunately, unresolved conflict can lead to higher turnover rate, decreased productivity, legal action and other unnecessary results. Stopping an adult bully requires cooperation from the target, witnesses and the proper authorities for the most effective results. Just like we teach the kids: The adult you can trust, target and bystander.

Bullies have inferiority complexes where they dislike anyone with the ability to cooperate and be non-confrontational.  If you are that person that does the job and does it right or you are the one who always excels at your duties, you may be in line to be targeted. Define what makes you a target for bullying and strategize how you are going to solve the problem.

Usually, targets of bullies at the workplace are the most productive. Bring this factor to the attention of your employer to help management see the risk for high turnover rates, which affects productivity. A sensible, wise and practical employer will step in to stop the bullying behavior by reprimanding or removing that person from your environment.

Some things you can do:

If you are being bullied start a journal of the all actions of the bully. Include dates, times, etc. Having irrefutable evidence will make your case stronger to stop an adult bully. Facts are important. 

Make the bully explain their actions in front of others that he respects. Sometimes, the perceived loss of influence over others can make a bully stop.

File a formal complaint to the appropriate authorities. For example, file a complaint with your human resources department or the local police when it becomes harassment. Yes, you have legal rights! Confirm what is considered harassment for your area and put the abusive behavior on record. Contact your local police station to learn more about legally filing a complaint.

Some of the information used in this article is from Bully Free at Work. Find more ways to deal with workplace bullies at their website Bully Free at Work http://bullyfreeatwork.com/blog. This site has all the information, podcasts and article you need to learn on adult bullying.

Healthy Competition, an Oxymoron? Learning to enjoy the journey

Has our society gone over board with competition? Is the prize worth more that the journey? Are we a failure if we do not take home the trophy? Are we teaching our children to compete fairly?

There are many schools of thought on this issue and they all have legitimate arguing points. After studying all the research and listening to the pros and cons, I still am not clear if I can take a side or not, so I will leave you to make up your own mind.

Think about the goals we have for our children. We all want them to be happy, safe, in good physical health, and have a healthy self‐esteem. We also want them to be successful, achieve excellence and have strong, long lasting, loving relationships. We want to protect them from pain, sickness, and fear.

Then how does competition figure into these goals? It now becomes a challenge and struggle for the reason that “what we want and what we say are two different things”.

Competition that is healthy should focus on being the best you can be as an individual, competing against yourself, making progress along the way and not beating someone else. Healthy competition is having fun and learning as in a team sport or group participation project, reaching for a common goal and a win‐win for everyone involved. Without the stress, rivalry of winning children will improve and advance their skill or self.

Focusing on winning will only enhance unhealthy competition. When we focus on winning, we lose our edge off personal improvement and replace it with stress, self‐doubt, pressure and disappointment. Losing may leave children to feel depressed and feeling like a loser. However, focusing on being the best you can be will bring self-satisfaction. It will also teach the skills of evaluation your performance fairly, helping one make healthy self-improvement in the future. Here are four points to teach healthy competition:

1. Be a positive role model: Encourage don’t discourage. Unhealthy competition cultivates selfishness, jealousy, and poor sportsmanship. Be sure to set a good example for your child by living and breathing tolerance and a balance in life. Be positive when they (or you) do not “win”. Don’t be that person who yells and insults coaches and other teams during a game or the one who calls the coaches, judges and complains that your child should have won, played or been the star. There are better ways for our children (and us) to work, play and co‐exist. Raising healthy and happy children will emulate a better society. You hold all the power as a parent. If your goals are set to beat or win, your child will learn to mirror your behavior regardless of what you say.

2. Don't use contests and competitions at home. For instance, whoever can get the “job” done first is the winner. The strongest, fastest, possibly oldest child will always win. Don’t confuse competition with survival or cooperation. Trust me, the dishes will be done and put away however they may not be clean! After dinner we all clear the table together and do the dishes. Someone take out the trash and recyclables. The other chores like feeding the dogs, is a compromise decision my kids made as young children, I’ll do it in the morning and you at night. Results: choices, decisions, cooperation, compromise without the interference of a parent, whining and competition.

3. Always bestow unconditional love and acceptance. Nothing is more damaging psychologically than approval based on victory.

4. All comparisons between children fosters unhealthy competition. Negative comparisons, like "Why can’t you be more like your brother” make children feel second rate, diminishes their self-esteem and increases rivalry.

Your children will succeed in spite of the power given to competition, not because of it. Unfortunately our society teaches that we are in a lifetime competition, a vicious cycle that we can’t step out of. Like a rat on a wheel, more, more, more, they will never be satisfied.

Research shows that children do not learn better when education is competitive. The reasons being that competition often makes kids anxious which interferes with their ability to concentration and learn. Competition excludes a venue to share their talents and they can't learn. This results in a decline in performance. When children compete against others, they are less able to take the perspective of others to learn or to see someone else's point of view not to mention that a competitor’s personality shows signs of being less empathetic, antisocial, less cooperative and lacks in generosity.

There is no easy answer to raising noncompetitive children in our competitive world. We must teach children about competition and prepare them for their future encounters. Just teach them to compete with themselves and be the best they can be not the best the other kids can be.

Whether you disagree or agree, make your decision based on knowledge and research of competition is today’s world.

Forget about the competition and enjoy the journey.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.