and a Magnitude of Memories
As a parent, two of the most powerful and basic ways to communication with your children is to listen and give them the gift of your time. In fact giving our undivided attention is the most important thing we can do. Combine listening with your time, both quantity and quality, you will be on your way to raising resilient, loving kids.
I find time everyday to talk with my children. I made the choice ten years ago to work from home so that I could spend more time with them. With a home office, I have the privilege to take a break when they get home from school to hear about their day. Mealtime is also very important time for us and we plan at least one meal together per day. However, with school activities and working parents, time is limited and not everyone has the luxury of quantity of time.
Another way we remedy the demands of daily life is to vacation together at least once a year with weekend camping and hiking trips mixed in. For Christmas this year, we gave the kids a gift of time, a family vacation in Maui. Both my husband and I travel for work so we love to mix business trips with pleasure. It’s cost effective and we all get to experience each other’s work.
When January 15th rolled around, the coldest day in two years, our family boarded a flight in Boston for a long thirteen-hour flight to paradise. We packed snacks, movies, games and books and created a private circle of fun on the plane. When we arrived at 5:30 p.m. Hawaiian time, it was pouring rain and 75 degrees. We settled into our condo and watched the rain while planning the next several days of family fun and entertainment.
To make vacations affordable, we like to rent condos for more space, separate bedrooms and the facilities to make our own meals. Not to mention, we save money on food, high resort cost, and the pool is usually right outside the door. Mom and Dad get to have some private time in their own room or by the pool is an added benefit.
Not being sunbathers, we didn’t spend much time lying in the sun. Instead, we toured the island, hiked, snorkeled and surfed. A few of our favorite activities were a traditional Luau, watching surfers, twenty-foot waves and whales. Our biggest decision of the day was top down or up and what to have for dinner. We laughed, joked, talked, and dreamed of what it would be like to live in Hawaii. The family accompanied me at three schools where I read my books, Yankee Go Home and Sticks Stones and Stumped. We also attended a lecture my husband gave at the Hawaiian Eye ophthalmology conference. It was an incredible family vacation.
You will always hear me say that the quantity of time that you spend with your kids matters just as much as the quality of time and you don’t have to travel half way around the world to do it.
Here are a few suggestions to help you increase the quantity and quality of family time with a few family pictures from our trip added on:
• Mealtime: Wake Up a half hour early and have breakfast together or make the commitment to have dinner together at least five times a week.
• Share. Let each child have equal time to talk about their day.
• Schedule a Family Night with no TV, telephones or interruptions.
• Play a board game
• Read, especially with young children. Read to them and as the get older, they can read to you.
• Help with homework, you may learn something.
• Exercise. Working out together is another great family activity
• Ask specific questions
• Keep the conversation light
• Tell them about your day
• Pick up your teens after school and go to Starbucks
• Go to the mall
• Cook dinner and clean up together
• Go to a concert or event of their choice
• Take your child to work for a day
• Pitch a tent in the backyard or create a campsite in the family room
• Rent a movie
• Listen to music together, their music, even if you don’t like it.
• Volunteer together
• Go to a movie of their choice, a date night
• Finally, get out the piggy bank and start saving for that family vacation, take lots of pictures and scrapbook them.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Death by Technology
Internet Safety, for Our Children’s Sake; published Oct. 2009
Computers, cell phones, iPods, oh my, with today’s technology everything is a click away. Even email is becoming passé, being replaced with social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter.
The Internet can be a great resource for our children allowing them instant access to information for homework and communication with parents, teachers and friends. However, things can change in a click of the mouse when technology is used as a means for stocking, bullying or harassment.
If you are thinking, “my child would never do this” or “we monitor our children’s computer usage”, think again, anyone can fall to peer pressure, become a victim or be exposed to predators.
Debbie Johnston knows first hand what it is like to have a child tormented in cyberspace. "As a parent, I worried about kidnappers, murderers, drugs, alcohol, gangs and all those things outside. I never for an instant considered that I'd lose my son by his own hand," Johnston said, an 8th grade science teacher in the same school Jeff attended.
Debbie son Jeff took his own life on June 29, 2005 when in the 9th grade after being tormented by online bullying since the 6th grade. “It was not a death that was quick or merciful,” said Johnston. “ It was calculated with lies, rumors and cruelty portioned out day by day.”
Soon after her son's death, Johnston started a three-year battle to protect other children, hoping to pass a law requiring schools to do more to educate teachers, students, parents and the community to stop the teasing and harassment. “Because there was no law, no crime had taken place," Johnston stated. Working with local legislators and with Governor Jeb Bush, Debbie created Florida’s Jeffrey Johnston "Stand Up For All Students" Act, which finally passed in 2008.
The growing phenomenon of cyber‐bullying has exacerbated the problem.
Hiding behind the anonymity of computers, bullies can humiliate their victims
by sending vicious text messages and posting hateful rumors in chat rooms,
on bulletin boards, and on blogs
Just like teaching our children to look both ways before crossing the street, talking to your children about internet safety can protect them from heartache, anxiety and possible harm.
With over 80% of households with computers, 22% of which have two and 17% with three or more computers, there are lethal weapons silently lurching in our homes.
The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), mandates websites to explain and post their privacy policies on their websites and obtain parental consent before obtaining or using a minor’s personal information. The federal law also prohibits sites from requiring a child to provide personal information to play a game or participate in a contest.
The growing phenomenon of cyber‐bullying has exacerbated the problem.
Hiding behind the anonymity of computers, bullies can humiliate their victims
by sending vicious text messages and posting hateful rumors in chat rooms,
on bulletin boards, and on blogs
Nevertheless, your kids' best online protection is you, Educating your children about potential online dangers is the best way to ensure personal safety from bullies and predators.
“A bully doesn’t have to be eye to eye to bully someone. Sometimes he or she gets into cyberspace, and then there’s no place to hide from their torment.”
Debbie Johnston
Jeffrey Scott Johnston - 12/21/89 – 6/29/05
Steps to take to ensure internet Safety:
1. Online Protection tools such as web nannies can monitor sites kids visit.
“Social networks are no longer a thing of the future. Teens and tweens are using them now to create online identities and communicate with their peers.” stated Dolphin Secure president Bill O’Dowd. An internet safety software company using fingerprint scan identification, Dolphin Secure, provides parents the peace of mind of deciding where their children can go and whom they can talk to online. “We are committed to safeguarding their children from exposure to pornography, unsolicited chat requests from potential predators, and harassment from cyberbullying that comes from identity impersonation online.”
present.
• Currently, 71% of tweens and teens between the ages of 9 and 17 visit social
networks sites regularly.
• Amazingly, more than 55% teens who use the social networking site MySpace have
posted information about sexual behavior, substance abuse or violence.
• Equally troubling, a survey of 10 to 17 year olds revealed that over one third (34%)
admitted that they had posted their real names, telephone numbers, home
addresses, or the names of their schools online where anyone could see With the proliferation of young people online, predators are following them onto social networks.
• In 2007, the FBI opened more than 2,400 new investigations of online predators, up 14% from the
previous year.
• In January 2009, MySpace detected and deleted the accounts of 90,000 registered American
sex offenders from its system, which comes after a previous 29,000 accounts were deleted in
April 2008.
• 1 in 7 teens and tweens aged 10-17 who use the Internet receive an unwanted sexual solicitation
or inquiry from someone online.
• 1 in 25 teens and tweens aged 10-17 who use the Internet receive an aggressive online sexual
solicitation where the solicitor tried to make offline contact and the same number were solicited to
take sexual pictures of themselves. In many jurisdictions, these constitute criminal requests to
produce child pornography. What Constitutes Cyberbullying?
• Cyberbullying includes any form of online harassment through the use of instant messaging, chat
rooms, posting of private information, and online impersonation. Young people today often target
one another by hacking into a friend’s account, and doing something harmful such as sending out
a mass message saying “Suzie loves Jimmy and wants everyone to know!” or ransacking their
“igloo” and forfeiting all their points. Afterwards, they change their target’s password, so the victim
cannot log back into their account to amend any damages. Passwords are a problem.
• 86% of elementary school students and 70% of online teens share their passwords with
friends.
• Over 80% of passwords could be guessed by knowing such simple facts such as home
address, school name, and birthday.
“Frenemies” are the culprits.
• 85% of middle school students reported being cyberbullied.
• Over 70% of those that reported being cyberbullied said it came from friends or best friends.
Cyberbullying is now linked to dozens of teen suicides. Dolphin Secure
What It Is
Dolphin Secure is a groundbreaking family Internet solution that gives parents the tools to protect their
children while they are using computers inside the home.
Specifically, Dolphin Secure provides parents the peace of mind of deciding where their children can
go and whom they can talk to online, safeguarding their children from exposure to pornography,
unsolicited chat requests from potential predators, and harassment from cyberbullying that
comes from identity impersonation online.
Dolphin Secure gives control of the home and personal computer back to the parents.
Computers, cell phones, iPods, oh my, with today’s technology everything is a click away. Even email is becoming passé, being replaced with social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter.
The Internet can be a great resource for our children allowing them instant access to information for homework and communication with parents, teachers and friends. However, things can change in a click of the mouse when technology is used as a means for stocking, bullying or harassment.
If you are thinking, “my child would never do this” or “we monitor our children’s computer usage”, think again, anyone can fall to peer pressure, become a victim or be exposed to predators.
Debbie Johnston knows first hand what it is like to have a child tormented in cyberspace. "As a parent, I worried about kidnappers, murderers, drugs, alcohol, gangs and all those things outside. I never for an instant considered that I'd lose my son by his own hand," Johnston said, an 8th grade science teacher in the same school Jeff attended.
Debbie son Jeff took his own life on June 29, 2005 when in the 9th grade after being tormented by online bullying since the 6th grade. “It was not a death that was quick or merciful,” said Johnston. “ It was calculated with lies, rumors and cruelty portioned out day by day.”
Soon after her son's death, Johnston started a three-year battle to protect other children, hoping to pass a law requiring schools to do more to educate teachers, students, parents and the community to stop the teasing and harassment. “Because there was no law, no crime had taken place," Johnston stated. Working with local legislators and with Governor Jeb Bush, Debbie created Florida’s Jeffrey Johnston "Stand Up For All Students" Act, which finally passed in 2008.
The growing phenomenon of cyber‐bullying has exacerbated the problem.
Hiding behind the anonymity of computers, bullies can humiliate their victims
by sending vicious text messages and posting hateful rumors in chat rooms,
on bulletin boards, and on blogs
Just like teaching our children to look both ways before crossing the street, talking to your children about internet safety can protect them from heartache, anxiety and possible harm.
With over 80% of households with computers, 22% of which have two and 17% with three or more computers, there are lethal weapons silently lurching in our homes.
The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), mandates websites to explain and post their privacy policies on their websites and obtain parental consent before obtaining or using a minor’s personal information. The federal law also prohibits sites from requiring a child to provide personal information to play a game or participate in a contest.
The growing phenomenon of cyber‐bullying has exacerbated the problem.
Hiding behind the anonymity of computers, bullies can humiliate their victims
by sending vicious text messages and posting hateful rumors in chat rooms,
on bulletin boards, and on blogs
Nevertheless, your kids' best online protection is you, Educating your children about potential online dangers is the best way to ensure personal safety from bullies and predators.
“A bully doesn’t have to be eye to eye to bully someone. Sometimes he or she gets into cyberspace, and then there’s no place to hide from their torment.”
Debbie Johnston
Jeffrey Scott Johnston - 12/21/89 – 6/29/05
Steps to take to ensure internet Safety:
1. Online Protection tools such as web nannies can monitor sites kids visit.
“Social networks are no longer a thing of the future. Teens and tweens are using them now to create online identities and communicate with their peers.” stated Dolphin Secure president Bill O’Dowd. An internet safety software company using fingerprint scan identification, Dolphin Secure, provides parents the peace of mind of deciding where their children can go and whom they can talk to online. “We are committed to safeguarding their children from exposure to pornography, unsolicited chat requests from potential predators, and harassment from cyberbullying that comes from identity impersonation online.”
present.
• Currently, 71% of tweens and teens between the ages of 9 and 17 visit social
networks sites regularly.
• Amazingly, more than 55% teens who use the social networking site MySpace have
posted information about sexual behavior, substance abuse or violence.
• Equally troubling, a survey of 10 to 17 year olds revealed that over one third (34%)
admitted that they had posted their real names, telephone numbers, home
addresses, or the names of their schools online where anyone could see With the proliferation of young people online, predators are following them onto social networks.
• In 2007, the FBI opened more than 2,400 new investigations of online predators, up 14% from the
previous year.
• In January 2009, MySpace detected and deleted the accounts of 90,000 registered American
sex offenders from its system, which comes after a previous 29,000 accounts were deleted in
April 2008.
• 1 in 7 teens and tweens aged 10-17 who use the Internet receive an unwanted sexual solicitation
or inquiry from someone online.
• 1 in 25 teens and tweens aged 10-17 who use the Internet receive an aggressive online sexual
solicitation where the solicitor tried to make offline contact and the same number were solicited to
take sexual pictures of themselves. In many jurisdictions, these constitute criminal requests to
produce child pornography. What Constitutes Cyberbullying?
• Cyberbullying includes any form of online harassment through the use of instant messaging, chat
rooms, posting of private information, and online impersonation. Young people today often target
one another by hacking into a friend’s account, and doing something harmful such as sending out
a mass message saying “Suzie loves Jimmy and wants everyone to know!” or ransacking their
“igloo” and forfeiting all their points. Afterwards, they change their target’s password, so the victim
cannot log back into their account to amend any damages. Passwords are a problem.
• 86% of elementary school students and 70% of online teens share their passwords with
friends.
• Over 80% of passwords could be guessed by knowing such simple facts such as home
address, school name, and birthday.
“Frenemies” are the culprits.
• 85% of middle school students reported being cyberbullied.
• Over 70% of those that reported being cyberbullied said it came from friends or best friends.
Cyberbullying is now linked to dozens of teen suicides. Dolphin Secure
What It Is
Dolphin Secure is a groundbreaking family Internet solution that gives parents the tools to protect their
children while they are using computers inside the home.
Specifically, Dolphin Secure provides parents the peace of mind of deciding where their children can
go and whom they can talk to online, safeguarding their children from exposure to pornography,
unsolicited chat requests from potential predators, and harassment from cyberbullying that
comes from identity impersonation online.
Dolphin Secure gives control of the home and personal computer back to the parents.
Bullying in Schools
Now that school has started, children are beginning to face what they identify as the biggest problem in their life, bullying and peer pressure. The American Medical Association reports that fifty percent of all children in the U.S. are bullied at some time during their school years and one in ten are bullied on a regular basis.
In 1999, Georgia set the stage by passing the first character education legislation to put a stop to bullying and violence in schools. Since then thirty-five states, including Maine, have followed with new or amended legislation.
Robin D’Antona, Ed. D., president of the International Bullying Prevention Association states, “Bullying is now being recognized by parents and educators as a serious problem, this not only has a profound impact on young people but could be a prelude to other forms of violence.”
To help prevent such behavior, parents must first understand the meaning, causes and effects of bullying. Bullying is intentional, repetitive and is always an imbalance of power. Bullying is not a rite of passage, especially when it can lead to other consequences such as loneliness, isolation, depression, and suicide Seventy-six percent of bullying is non-physical and approximately sixty percent happens under adult supervision. Research supports that bullying and teasing create a fear and concern for safety that obstructs a child’s growth intellectually and socially.
Whether your child is the target/victim, bystander or demonstrates bullying behavior, here are some essential tips to help guide them to be safe, confident and stress free.
• Teach character education. This involves teaching children about basic human values including honesty, kindness, generosity, courage, freedom, equality, compassion and respect. Raising children to become morally responsible and self-disciplined citizens are important parts of developing moral character. Through on going conversations, children can see that their decisions affect other people and things.
• Teach kids valuable strategies to deal with negative behaviors, how to problem solve, make healthy choices, and understand conflict resolution.
• Get involved. When parents play an active role in their child’s academic and social life, they are more likely to be successful and confident in their abilities to achieve and accomplish goals.
• Monitor and teach media and internet safety. With MySpace, IM, cell phones and Facebook, cyberbullying statistics have increased tremendously.
• If your child has never been bullied, there is a high chance they have been bystanders. Some of the most effective way children can help as bystanders is to walk away and take their friends with them, change the topic of conversation, invite the victim to join them, show support for the victim, face up to the bully and tell them to stop. Children should ALWAYS tell an adult they can trust.
• If your child is bullied, get the facts. Listen to them carefully and calmly. Reassure them that it isn’t their fault.
• Contact the teacher or principal to discuss solutions. Stay calm and reasonable, the teachers want to help you and may not be aware of what is going on.
For more information on Maine’s law and available resources, visit:
www.maine.gov/education/bullyingprevention/index.shtml or http://raisingmaine.mainetoday.com/blogentry.html?id=7088
This article first appeared in Raising Maine. Deb Landry is a children’s author, a freelance writer and certified parenting coach.
In 1999, Georgia set the stage by passing the first character education legislation to put a stop to bullying and violence in schools. Since then thirty-five states, including Maine, have followed with new or amended legislation.
Robin D’Antona, Ed. D., president of the International Bullying Prevention Association states, “Bullying is now being recognized by parents and educators as a serious problem, this not only has a profound impact on young people but could be a prelude to other forms of violence.”
To help prevent such behavior, parents must first understand the meaning, causes and effects of bullying. Bullying is intentional, repetitive and is always an imbalance of power. Bullying is not a rite of passage, especially when it can lead to other consequences such as loneliness, isolation, depression, and suicide Seventy-six percent of bullying is non-physical and approximately sixty percent happens under adult supervision. Research supports that bullying and teasing create a fear and concern for safety that obstructs a child’s growth intellectually and socially.
Whether your child is the target/victim, bystander or demonstrates bullying behavior, here are some essential tips to help guide them to be safe, confident and stress free.
• Teach character education. This involves teaching children about basic human values including honesty, kindness, generosity, courage, freedom, equality, compassion and respect. Raising children to become morally responsible and self-disciplined citizens are important parts of developing moral character. Through on going conversations, children can see that their decisions affect other people and things.
• Teach kids valuable strategies to deal with negative behaviors, how to problem solve, make healthy choices, and understand conflict resolution.
• Get involved. When parents play an active role in their child’s academic and social life, they are more likely to be successful and confident in their abilities to achieve and accomplish goals.
• Monitor and teach media and internet safety. With MySpace, IM, cell phones and Facebook, cyberbullying statistics have increased tremendously.
• If your child has never been bullied, there is a high chance they have been bystanders. Some of the most effective way children can help as bystanders is to walk away and take their friends with them, change the topic of conversation, invite the victim to join them, show support for the victim, face up to the bully and tell them to stop. Children should ALWAYS tell an adult they can trust.
• If your child is bullied, get the facts. Listen to them carefully and calmly. Reassure them that it isn’t their fault.
• Contact the teacher or principal to discuss solutions. Stay calm and reasonable, the teachers want to help you and may not be aware of what is going on.
For more information on Maine’s law and available resources, visit:
www.maine.gov/education/bullyingprevention/index.shtml or http://raisingmaine.mainetoday.com/blogentry.html?id=7088
This article first appeared in Raising Maine. Deb Landry is a children’s author, a freelance writer and certified parenting coach.
Burning Bridges
Burning Bridges first appeared in the October 2009 issue of The Phoenix in Portland Maine
Even though it has been several years since her divorce, Michelle still wakes in the middle of the night from nightmares of her past life, only to realize that she is free from the physical pain, anguish and feeling of utter fear and horror from her eleven-year marriage to Tommy, her high school sweetheart.
“It doesn’t just go away,” she said. “It took everything I had in me and years of counseling to escape and cope with my low self esteem, emotional pain and the ability to trust another man. The bruises go away but the emotional pain is everlasting.”
Her divorce from Tommy wasn’t a mutual agreement or irreconcilable differences. It was a break away from the life where she was captive to a man who promised to love, cherish and protect her.
Michelle remembers the first time Tommy hit her. He had always been jealous, making negative comments about her appearance and analyzed her conversations to others, especially with other men, always questioning her intentions. However, it wasn’t until they were into their second year of marriage and she was pregnant with her second child that he lashed out at her physically.
“Tommy grabbed me and pulled me towards him. Screaming in my face, he threw me down a flight of stairs. The only thing I could think of as I fell was holding my belly tight so not to injure my baby, but I had no control. Fear and gravity carried me to a place that I could have never even imaged. I was shocked and full of fear.”
“He was so sorry for what he had done and I forgave him, I was convinced that I was to blame for not having the laundry folded and put away as he wanted. He told me I slipped and he didn’t mean to let me fall. I owned up to my part in the situation and felt that in the future I needed to tow the line. Feeling like a child for disobeying their parents, I tried even harder to please my husband, the man I loved and trusted with my life.”
“He didn’t hit or even verbally abuse me for weeks after that incident, but once he started again, it never stopped. There seem to be no reason for the abuse. Drunk or sober, happy or sad, it was my fault and he had all the answers and excuses.”
The abuse went on for eleven years, sometimes daily, sometimes months in between. “I was so ashamed that I couldn’t tell anyone. Talking about it was never an option I thought I had. It was part of my life just like cooking dinner, laundry and taking care of the kids. The one thing I knew in my heart was that I didn’t have a choice, or so I thought at the time.”
“One night he was drunk and playing around with his rifle. The kids were asleep and he was waving the gun around their bed wanting to shoot out the window. For the first time the fear and rage overtook me. I needed to protect my children; it wasn’t about “us” anymore. I remember Tommy coming after me with the butt of the gun as I begged him to stop. The next thing I remember was my father in law standing over me with a wet cloth on my eye, trying to pick me up from the floor.”
“Nothing was said or done, I didn’t go to the doctors even though I had a black eye and the left side of my face was lacerated and swollen with a golf ball size goose egg. “They” agreed Tommy would be arrested if we got medical attention. His father took all his guns that night.”
“Tommy always reassured me that no other person could ever love me. How could they? My medium framed, 130-pound body was disgusting and I was lucky that he loved me. He had me convinced that even my family didn’t love me.”
“I attended college part time for years. Tommy said I could go if it didn’t interfere with our life and my responsibilities. My desire to better myself left little time for sleep, but I was determined to finish school and get a job. Some how I thought working would stop the abuse, and in some ways, it did. Tommy never hit me from the neck up again. That didn’t stop the verbal abuse, beatings, rape and the horrible threats of death if I tried to leave.”
“I would daydream of what it would be like to live without Tommy. What if he died? Then I would finally be free. I knew he would never let me go. He would always tell me that if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me and I believed he would. When the movie, The Burning Bed was released, I realize the agony and terror I lived was happening to other women. The support systems and awareness programs were not available like they are now. I had a choice. I started thinking that maybe I could live a different life.”
“At work, I would try to figure out how to live on my own, how much money I would need and how I could hide without Tommy finding me. The hope chest my grandmother gave me was secretly stuffed with three of everything in preparation for our escape.”
“My parents were never happy about my relationship with Tommy, so I was compelled to let them think the marriage was perfect. I finally remember getting up enough courage to talk to my mother about the abuse, thinking she would jump at the chance to save me. I sat at her kitchen table sipping a cup of hot tea, shaking in fear. As the kids were playing in the other room with my dad, I told my mother about the years of abuse and that I needed to get out of the relationship before something terrible happen.”
“And then something happened that left me paralyzed and stunned. She told me that I didn’t want to be divorced, what would people think? I should at least stay until the kids graduated from high school.
I was devastated, it had taken me years to work up to this conversation and to admit that just maybe I should make the prison break, only to be shot down by the one person I thought would understand.”
“One morning I called in sick to work. As soon as Tommy left, I packed the kids in the car with all our clothes and the contents of the hope chest, stopped at the bank, withdrew my four hundred dollars in savings, and drove away. “
“My oldest daughter once told me she was surprised to find out from her friends that not all fathers hit mothers. I was so sad and ashamed that I had put my children through this nightmare. I thought I was the master of disguises and no one knew what was going on. Everyone knows though, or at least they suspect, it’s just that nobody tells.”
This is a true story, the names were changed.
Even though it has been several years since her divorce, Michelle still wakes in the middle of the night from nightmares of her past life, only to realize that she is free from the physical pain, anguish and feeling of utter fear and horror from her eleven-year marriage to Tommy, her high school sweetheart.
“It doesn’t just go away,” she said. “It took everything I had in me and years of counseling to escape and cope with my low self esteem, emotional pain and the ability to trust another man. The bruises go away but the emotional pain is everlasting.”
Her divorce from Tommy wasn’t a mutual agreement or irreconcilable differences. It was a break away from the life where she was captive to a man who promised to love, cherish and protect her.
Michelle remembers the first time Tommy hit her. He had always been jealous, making negative comments about her appearance and analyzed her conversations to others, especially with other men, always questioning her intentions. However, it wasn’t until they were into their second year of marriage and she was pregnant with her second child that he lashed out at her physically.
“Tommy grabbed me and pulled me towards him. Screaming in my face, he threw me down a flight of stairs. The only thing I could think of as I fell was holding my belly tight so not to injure my baby, but I had no control. Fear and gravity carried me to a place that I could have never even imaged. I was shocked and full of fear.”
“He was so sorry for what he had done and I forgave him, I was convinced that I was to blame for not having the laundry folded and put away as he wanted. He told me I slipped and he didn’t mean to let me fall. I owned up to my part in the situation and felt that in the future I needed to tow the line. Feeling like a child for disobeying their parents, I tried even harder to please my husband, the man I loved and trusted with my life.”
“He didn’t hit or even verbally abuse me for weeks after that incident, but once he started again, it never stopped. There seem to be no reason for the abuse. Drunk or sober, happy or sad, it was my fault and he had all the answers and excuses.”
The abuse went on for eleven years, sometimes daily, sometimes months in between. “I was so ashamed that I couldn’t tell anyone. Talking about it was never an option I thought I had. It was part of my life just like cooking dinner, laundry and taking care of the kids. The one thing I knew in my heart was that I didn’t have a choice, or so I thought at the time.”
“One night he was drunk and playing around with his rifle. The kids were asleep and he was waving the gun around their bed wanting to shoot out the window. For the first time the fear and rage overtook me. I needed to protect my children; it wasn’t about “us” anymore. I remember Tommy coming after me with the butt of the gun as I begged him to stop. The next thing I remember was my father in law standing over me with a wet cloth on my eye, trying to pick me up from the floor.”
“Nothing was said or done, I didn’t go to the doctors even though I had a black eye and the left side of my face was lacerated and swollen with a golf ball size goose egg. “They” agreed Tommy would be arrested if we got medical attention. His father took all his guns that night.”
“Tommy always reassured me that no other person could ever love me. How could they? My medium framed, 130-pound body was disgusting and I was lucky that he loved me. He had me convinced that even my family didn’t love me.”
“I attended college part time for years. Tommy said I could go if it didn’t interfere with our life and my responsibilities. My desire to better myself left little time for sleep, but I was determined to finish school and get a job. Some how I thought working would stop the abuse, and in some ways, it did. Tommy never hit me from the neck up again. That didn’t stop the verbal abuse, beatings, rape and the horrible threats of death if I tried to leave.”
“I would daydream of what it would be like to live without Tommy. What if he died? Then I would finally be free. I knew he would never let me go. He would always tell me that if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me and I believed he would. When the movie, The Burning Bed was released, I realize the agony and terror I lived was happening to other women. The support systems and awareness programs were not available like they are now. I had a choice. I started thinking that maybe I could live a different life.”
“At work, I would try to figure out how to live on my own, how much money I would need and how I could hide without Tommy finding me. The hope chest my grandmother gave me was secretly stuffed with three of everything in preparation for our escape.”
“My parents were never happy about my relationship with Tommy, so I was compelled to let them think the marriage was perfect. I finally remember getting up enough courage to talk to my mother about the abuse, thinking she would jump at the chance to save me. I sat at her kitchen table sipping a cup of hot tea, shaking in fear. As the kids were playing in the other room with my dad, I told my mother about the years of abuse and that I needed to get out of the relationship before something terrible happen.”
“And then something happened that left me paralyzed and stunned. She told me that I didn’t want to be divorced, what would people think? I should at least stay until the kids graduated from high school.
I was devastated, it had taken me years to work up to this conversation and to admit that just maybe I should make the prison break, only to be shot down by the one person I thought would understand.”
“One morning I called in sick to work. As soon as Tommy left, I packed the kids in the car with all our clothes and the contents of the hope chest, stopped at the bank, withdrew my four hundred dollars in savings, and drove away. “
“My oldest daughter once told me she was surprised to find out from her friends that not all fathers hit mothers. I was so sad and ashamed that I had put my children through this nightmare. I thought I was the master of disguises and no one knew what was going on. Everyone knows though, or at least they suspect, it’s just that nobody tells.”
This is a true story, the names were changed.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Create a Better Tomorrow by giving Thanks for what we have Today….
The world is an astonishing place even though we are engrossed in economic crisis, hunger, and war.
With the holiday season approaching us, we can easily focus too much on the little things and not on the big picture. Simplifying our stressful lives can help us cope and enjoy the holiday season.
For instance, as Thanksgiving is upon us, we are thinking of the holiday menu, getting together with family, whose house to go to and when, and of course the Christmas shopping. We all have good intentions but easily stress out instead of enjoying the preparation and remembering what the holiday season is really all about.
Give yourself a break, and enjoy a stress free holiday season with these helpful hints:
Create a Plan: Start now, write down your goals for the next few weeks. Prioritize your list by a timeline and by importance. Achieving small goals over time gives you a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep going.
Involve the whole family in planning the activities. The family can support and help with the planning. You may be surprised at the family's expectations. Reminiscing over previous holidays helps distinguish what everyone loves, what works or doesn't work, even down to what they want on the Thanksgiving table. Start by planning the menu and guest list. After planning the meal and activities, delegate some of the chores to the kids, your spouse and guests. Yes, the guests. When they ask what they can bring, be prepared to check something off your list.
Shop. Make a list of food needed for the holidays and start buying it now. Sale items, can goods and freezer items are a great start. Adding a few items to your weekly shopping list will help soften the financial burden of buying all at once, and you may even save if you watch the sales.
Simplify. Eliminate what does not work.
Money, is it stealing your joy? In this economy, it's time to get creative. Give the gift of yourself by volunteering.
Set your boundaries. Just kindly say NO. Setting boundaries is about educating people on how they can treat you and their expectations of you. Is there someone you need to teach?
Give with enjoyment, not obligation. Give in a way that comes naturally to you. Stay within your means and be true to yourself. It will give you integrity and not empty your bank account. If there is a situation, gathering or party you are dreading, think about how you can spin it in a way that will bring you joy. If you can't spin it, don't do it.
Give Thanks by putting your life in perspective. What are you thankful for? Go around the table and have each person tell what they are thankful for and share memories of Thanksgivings past. This is a great way to bridge the generation gap between grandparents and children and to teach children how to be grateful for what they have.
Give and Forgive. You are role models for your children. Don't hold grudges. Forgive and start over again. This is a great time to set new boundaries.
Nurture your holiday spirit. Stay calm, eat healthy, and get lots of rest and exercise! Leave room for your favorite holiday activity whether it is spiritual, play or volunteering to help people less fortunate than you.
Homemade Hostess and Teacher Gift
Holiday Cocoa Mix
This is a quick easy and delicious recipe. Place the ingredients in a sack or put in a mason jar, top with the marshmallows and tie with a bow or ornament for an instant gift.
1-½ cups dry milk
1-½ cups confectionary sugar
½-cup cocoa
½ cup of non-dairy creamer
1 ½ cups mini marshmallows
With the holiday season approaching us, we can easily focus too much on the little things and not on the big picture. Simplifying our stressful lives can help us cope and enjoy the holiday season.
For instance, as Thanksgiving is upon us, we are thinking of the holiday menu, getting together with family, whose house to go to and when, and of course the Christmas shopping. We all have good intentions but easily stress out instead of enjoying the preparation and remembering what the holiday season is really all about.
Give yourself a break, and enjoy a stress free holiday season with these helpful hints:
Create a Plan: Start now, write down your goals for the next few weeks. Prioritize your list by a timeline and by importance. Achieving small goals over time gives you a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep going.
Involve the whole family in planning the activities. The family can support and help with the planning. You may be surprised at the family's expectations. Reminiscing over previous holidays helps distinguish what everyone loves, what works or doesn't work, even down to what they want on the Thanksgiving table. Start by planning the menu and guest list. After planning the meal and activities, delegate some of the chores to the kids, your spouse and guests. Yes, the guests. When they ask what they can bring, be prepared to check something off your list.
Shop. Make a list of food needed for the holidays and start buying it now. Sale items, can goods and freezer items are a great start. Adding a few items to your weekly shopping list will help soften the financial burden of buying all at once, and you may even save if you watch the sales.
Simplify. Eliminate what does not work.
Money, is it stealing your joy? In this economy, it's time to get creative. Give the gift of yourself by volunteering.
Set your boundaries. Just kindly say NO. Setting boundaries is about educating people on how they can treat you and their expectations of you. Is there someone you need to teach?
Give with enjoyment, not obligation. Give in a way that comes naturally to you. Stay within your means and be true to yourself. It will give you integrity and not empty your bank account. If there is a situation, gathering or party you are dreading, think about how you can spin it in a way that will bring you joy. If you can't spin it, don't do it.
Give Thanks by putting your life in perspective. What are you thankful for? Go around the table and have each person tell what they are thankful for and share memories of Thanksgivings past. This is a great way to bridge the generation gap between grandparents and children and to teach children how to be grateful for what they have.
Give and Forgive. You are role models for your children. Don't hold grudges. Forgive and start over again. This is a great time to set new boundaries.
Nurture your holiday spirit. Stay calm, eat healthy, and get lots of rest and exercise! Leave room for your favorite holiday activity whether it is spiritual, play or volunteering to help people less fortunate than you.
Homemade Hostess and Teacher Gift
Holiday Cocoa Mix
This is a quick easy and delicious recipe. Place the ingredients in a sack or put in a mason jar, top with the marshmallows and tie with a bow or ornament for an instant gift.
1-½ cups dry milk
1-½ cups confectionary sugar
½-cup cocoa
½ cup of non-dairy creamer
1 ½ cups mini marshmallows
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